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The Informed Citizen
Thursday, April 14, 2005
  Dear Ms Mystery Writer,

I'm not going to mention the title of your "Best-Selling" book,because I stopped reading it about halfway through.(Fortunately, I had only borrowed it from the library .)

Okay:You started out fairly well. I was able to wade through the relationship between the heroine (Is it still all right to use that word ?) and her demandingly pregnant sister (Pregzilla),because,after a while,our heroine (Dr.Smuglisexi) was called to the scene of a probable suicide.

Once on the scene,she made some VERY sharp observations: correctly identifying the victim's condition as the result of a fall,instead of the apparent sexual assault the silly cops were fixating on.(Isn't that just like a man ? Tsk !)

Some other stuff then happened. "Pregzilla",who had insisted on her feminist right to accompany Dr. Smuglisexi to the scene of the crime,wandered off into the bushes to relieve the insistent pressure on her bladder .(Ah,the trials of Sisterhood !).

While so engaged,or-one hopes-shortly thereafter,she was accosted by a mysterious villain and stabbed - right in her very pronounced abdomen .

Sad to say,although Pregzilla survived,she lost the baby,and I learned a great deal about how everybody felt about that:Dr. Smuglisexi,their parents,the good doctor's not-quite-ex-husband (who is Police Chief),and - oh yes: even the local undertaker's feelings and complex relationships were explored.

Still, I plowed on.It was a bad night on TV, and I figured,what the hell: in for a penny,in for a pound. It was a mistake.

While folks were sorting out their complex relationships,and sharing their feelings,you Ms Writer,felt it was a good time to tell us about the security guard on campus,who used to be a cop,but had her (promising) career in law enforcement interrupted when somebody killed her lesbian twin sister, drugged her,nailed her to the floor,and raped her.

"Dang !", I thought. "There MUST be some reason why you-the Author- are telling us all this." But there wasn't.

The story then shifted to Chief Clueless (You remember him ? Dr.Smuglisexi's former husband ?) He still carries the torch for the good doctor: stops by her house,feeds her dogs and cat,and picks her dirty clothes up off the floor. While he is so engaged,there is yet ANOTHER death !

Chief Clueless races to the college campus,where he discovers the body of a young woman,who has apparently killed herself with a shotgun.(It's a pump-action 12 ga. Remington Wingmaster,by the way.) The young woman has apparently blown her head off with the thing- (The Author furnishes suitably gruesome details.Would you believe an eyeball stuck to the wall ?)

"Hmmm...!", muses Chief Clueless. "There is an expended 20 ga. shell on the floor near the body." He then starts wondering why a suicide victim would have done something so UNSAFE as to use 20 ga. ammo in a 12 ga. shotgun (!)

He does not,of course,seem to realize one cannot fire 20 ga. shells in a 12 bore shotgun. (One CAN push a 20 ga. shell up past the chamber,so it lodges in the barrel-thus creating a handheld bomb.)

He does not even wonder how someone whose head has been blown off can manually eject a fired shell from the gun-( a pump-action , as you may recall.)

I got the impression he was too busy getting in touch with his inner feelings to make much progress on this case,so I decided to get in touch with mine.

I put the book down, Ms Writer,and went into the other room to watch commercials on TV.

It was MUCH more rewarding ...and there weren't any eyeballs stuck to the wall.

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